March 2009
1 post
“I don’t even want you - you’re just the freshest wound.”
February 2009
15 posts
Feeling discouraged.
it’s been a little while since i posted. what i can say right now is i’m not ready. i’m not ready to deal with the emotions that come with even just the possibility of being close to someone else. i think i need to be by myself for a little while longer. i thought i was ready, and i want to be ready, but i’m not.
catching up on tumblr this morning i found a post i greatly identify with. i looked at this girl’s blog and she was significantly younger than me. am i slow to develop the healthy relationship skills one needs at my age? have my past experiences really affected me or am i just terrified to get hurt? have i wasted too much time? I know there’s something to be said for going with the...
I fell asleep just fine, but woke up promptly at 6:15. I need a chance to say my piece. It’s not fair that I have to sit here and look like a fool and lose sleep over it, literally. When did I become so out of control? How can i regain control and feel that I am the one in charge of my feelings - no one else. I don’t like that someone, anyone, is able to come into my life and make me...
How much is too much?
i have a public tumblr, one that no one knows who i am, a real journal, and i video blog. how much is too much? when is it going to start helping?
i’m not sick, but i’m not well.
it’s the worst feeling in the world - rejection. you take it to heart. at that time, it seems as if nothing else matters. only that someone didn’t want you. later on you realize you didn’t need them, but at the time it’s all important. waking up in the early morning with that thought on your mind is worse than what spurred it. i’m not ready to do this again, but it...
i did NOTHING wrong. in fact, i was extremely careful to follow his lead, make sure i wasn’t overstepping. say what you mean boys, and if you don’t mean it, DON’T SAY IT. it’s only going to give you a headache in the form of a pissed off confused girl in the end. FUCK YOU.
i’d much rather be sleeping, honestly, but sometimes sleep and i aren’t the best of friends. in fact, most of the time sleep and i are enemies. I hate hanging out with him in fear we won’t be able to spend much time together, our fleeting romance ruined by my habit for harboring anxiety. sleep and i are great pals when i need him the least, when my mind is at rest and i...
sooooo i might be on my third beer. i’m going to be the BEST DATE EVER. oh btw he called. we’re still on (:
alright so. i have plans, a date, tonight. i have the unique ability to work myself up so much that i can make myself nauseous and my heart is racing. called said date and it went to voicemail. left a message. more nerves. he was clearly excited about the date last night, why do i think he’s going to blow me off? good news? i’m having a beer to calm my nerves. i might have another...
Revelation of the night: It’s possible other people have problems of their own. stop only thinking about yourself! my head = MY problem.
i don’t like waking up at 6 am and having my mind race. this is a horrible feeling, one that i wish i could shake. i can’t remember the last time i felt this way. the nerves - there’s nothing like it. my chest is tight and all i want to do is run. i don’t even run. it’s 3 degrees or else i probably would. something has to change. soon. i can’t live like this.
it’s always nighttime that’s the worst. i didn’t even unmake my bed, put on pajamas, or wash my face to get ready for bed last night. worst of all, it was about 4 am when i finally went to sleep for real. today was a good day - low anxiety. until nighttime hit. i got home from coffee with a friend and tried keeping myself busy - writing a paper, cleaning my room. but...
i want to post on my other tumblr, but i wish there wasn’t a timestamp. I don’t want anyone to know I was up this late/early worrying about something that is completely out of my control.
help.
If you could have one wish, what would it be?
I would take back the four years of my life I spent chasing a guy who never wanted me. Sounds pathetic, yeah? It is. He did absolutely nothing for my self confidence. I blame other people for the things he did to me when in reality they’re not doing anything at all. He would come back, repeatedly. Want to work things out, and boy was he a...
January 2009
17 posts
All of the problems I think I have are in my head. Let’s fix this, shall we?
“I know rigth now we are getting upset over stupid little petty things, but you have hit your breaking point. and it happens. there is nothing wrong with that. you are doing nothing wrong, it’s just a fact of life and you have simply just hit a rough patch. you will get over it. it will just take time.” - a good friend.
Is this what it is? a breaking point? i’d be much...
someone just signed on. are there IM rules? i don’t want to be the first to IM. am i crazy? yes or no - i’d like to know.
i’ve got this bundle of anxiety inside and it’s putting me in one of those “i want to run” moods. i’d consider if it the temperature was over 10, but for now i’ll just play really loud music.
Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - "Grim Goodbye"
Don’t you try to take me down, don’t you try to take me over, won’t you try to break me? The complexities moving in, and I feel that I do not have the strength, tragedies plaguing me solemnly Its affecting my will Wait now that I’ve found you, situations from dark now change to gray Disregarding my absence of memories, its perpetually blinding me of sanity, and...
i feel i’ve got this reputation to uphold - i’m the girl among friends that’s strong, independent, always around people laughing and making others laugh. it’s what i live for. but something feels as if it could be better.
i know, at this time, i’m not cut out for dating. everyone thinks the in between parts are so exciting, the unknown(!!). To me, this is not exciting. I’ve been dicked around enough, lied to, and led on. I want someone who is going to care, and SHOW they care - off the bat. Is this too much to ask for? I think so. I preach, PREACH about how girls shouldn’t be pathetic and wait...
we clean up after you all the time. why is it so hard for you to wash two dishes that you don’t think are yours? i’ve washed your dishes plenty of times just so i can use them. mom and dad aren’t here to do it for you. we’ve talked about this, more than once. start cleaning up after yourself - we used to have bugs. no one likes a dirty girl - except maybe your...
thank you for even taking the time to read my posts. after rereading some from this weekend i’m almost embarrassed. i sound like an emo thirteen year old. either that or a really insecure 20 something who’s been badly burned. i’m working on it - really taking one day at a time and knowing that my happiness should come from myself and not depend on other people - especially...
This weekend has been an emotional roller coaster. It’s taught me not to get my hopes up and to only trust myself. People are good actors, myself included.
that tall, good-looking guy we saw out the other night? new years eve.
oh and by the way that website you made? it doesn’t work. we used your competition last night to order. thanks.
why do you think it’s okay for you to blow me off yesterday and last night and then follow me on twitter the next day? i hate how relevant this stupid internet is - twitter shouldn’t be an issue.
“Have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still...”
– Elizabethtown (via autumnxfrisco)
making plans with the boy i kissed on nye.
bare with me. this is going to be a blog of fluid emotions and i’m going to rarely correct misspellings or bad grammar because i just don’t give a shit and this is for me to write completely raw and uncensored.
there’s a guy that i started hanging out with. met him on line - i know what you’re all thinking. whatever, he goes to my school and we hit it off pretty well. very well actually. talked...
Some of you know me. Some of you think you know me. I’m never going to give away who I am on here. I’ve got my other tumblr for everyone else to read and know who i am. I have to censor myself on that one. This one, not so much. If you piss me off - you’re going to be written about. I need a therapeutic outlet and journaling isn’t getting me anywhere. I want to express my distaste, happiness, and...