“ I don’t even want you - you’re just the freshest wound.
Eff It.
it’s been a little while since i posted. what i can say right now is i’m not ready. i’m not ready to deal with the emotions that come with even just the possibility of being close to someone else. i think i need to be by myself for a little while longer. i thought i was ready, and i want to be ready, but i’m not.
catching up on tumblr this morning i found a post i greatly identify with. i looked at this girl’s blog and she was significantly younger than me. am i slow to develop the healthy relationship skills one needs at my age? have my past experiences really affected me or am i just terrified to get hurt? have i wasted too much time? I know there’s something to be said for going with the flow, but right now it feels as if there’s more to it.
I fell asleep just fine, but woke up promptly at 6:15. I need a chance to say my piece. It’s not fair that I have to sit here and look like a fool and lose sleep over it, literally. When did I become so out of control? How can i regain control and feel that I am the one in charge of my feelings - no one else. I don’t like that someone, anyone, is able to come into my life and make me feel this way. I want to call the shots, not have them called for me and taken back silently. This needs to stop or I’m going to lose my mind.
How much is too much?
i have a public tumblr, one that no one knows who i am, a real journal, and i video blog. how much is too much? when is it going to start helping?
i’m not sick, but i’m not well.
it’s the worst feeling in the world - rejection. you take it to heart. at that time, it seems as if nothing else matters. only that someone didn’t want you. later on you realize you didn’t need them, but at the time it’s all important. waking up in the early morning with that thought on your mind is worse than what spurred it. i’m not ready to do this again, but it looks like i might not have a choice.
i did NOTHING wrong. in fact, i was extremely careful to follow his lead, make sure i wasn’t overstepping. say what you mean boys, and if you don’t mean it, DON’T SAY IT. it’s only going to give you a headache in the form of a pissed off confused girl in the end. FUCK YOU.
i’d much rather be sleeping, honestly, but sometimes sleep and i aren’t the best of friends. in fact, most of the time sleep and i are enemies. I hate hanging out with him in fear we won’t be able to spend much time together, our fleeting romance ruined by my habit for harboring anxiety. sleep and i are great pals when i need him the least, when my mind is at rest and i wouldn’t be upset staying up for hours, doing nothing. we’re enemies when i need him the most, when i just want to shut off my brain. i dread that quick moment at 6 am where i wake up and actively tell myself to go hang out with sleep some more, but it never fails - i don’t listen to myself. it’s a toxic relationship we have, sleep and i. my relationship with sleep seems to directly mirror the other relationships in my life - unstable and unhealthy.
sooooo i might be on my third beer. i’m going to be the BEST DATE EVER. oh btw he called. we’re still on (:
